The Ultimate Editor

Once Chloe hit the 6-month mark, I found myself feeling a little restless for some intellectual stimulation beyond the baby-talk and everyday chores of being a stay-at-home mom. Make no mistake, being at home with a baby is a lot of work and it wasn't that I was bored because I didn't have enough to do. Yet I wanted to have something that was not mothering-related and something that would reclaim that sense of just being me-as-me and not me-as-mom or me-as-wife. Those of you who know me know that I am a bit of a nerd (and a grammar nazi), and so I thought it would be great to do something writing-related. I am not much of a creative writer, but I enjoy academic writing, and my sister suggested I post an ad on kijiji/craigslist for academic editing services. I didn't even know such services existed and that people looked for them, but sure enough, they do!

Two and a half years later, I've edited over 200 projects, big and small. The topics have run the gamut, from engineering papers on constructing bridges to comparative analyses of two novels to admission essays for school, and many many things in between. There have been some really bad essays with grammars that is wrong (that was on purpose, guys), as well as essays that have all the right content but present ideas in a mishmash that go from Point A to D then B and back to A. My job each time is to work with what is given and clean it up, organize it, and make it into a piece of writing that a reader can understand and take something away from.

I know for many of you, essay writing probably sounds like something you are thankful you never have to do again once you finish school, but I can say that I sincerely love it. At least I love the editing part of it. The researching and writing part can be tedious (which is why I don't do that for any of my clients. Plus it would be cheating! Strictly editing only!) but the process of taking a messy, incoherent piece of writing and making it into something that sounds intelligent and makes the main message(s) of the writer clear -- I get such satisfaction from it. I've also learned about so many interesting topics along the way that I most likely would never come across in my everyday life or in the field I've majored in.

The whole process also makes me think of God, who is occasionally called "the Author" but whom I'd like to give the moniker "the Ultimate Editor". He gives us the free will to write out the story of our lives for the most part -- we can make decisions about the characters we want to include, the tone of the story, the details of what happens when, and so forth. Sure, there are many things we cannot control in our story either and parameters we have to work within, but we can decide on a great deal of the content ourselves and decide how to arrange the sequence of events. And I think that often, our lives turn out to be a mishmash of good and bad decisions, of small and big errors, and a confusion of points. When we let the Editor do his work though, we are better able to see the logical structure in it and the main message that the story is intended to tell. It'll make a lot more sense!

My favorite weekend of the year!

Observation #20: A cottage trip is a MUST at least once a year. 

Starting from last summer (2011), my favorite weekend of the year is no longer Christmas or Thanksgiving or any other holiday for that matter (though I do love all the presents and good food) but is now what is becoming an "annual couples cottage trip weekend". We had our second one this year up in Georgina with four other of my fave couple friends. Chloe and Justis are as of yet the only kids but Han Jr. is currently growing in Mama Sarah's belly, so next year there will be three kids! The plan is to add one kid each year. ;)

This year it was definitely a bit chillier than the last trip so there was less outdoorsy stuff but that just meant more time for my FAVORITE word games - taboo and bananagrams! Oh my, was I ever into it! I had so much fun - possibly the most out of the group. I am totally not athletic but make up for competitiveness when it comes to word games...

But the best part of our cottage trip was not the games or the amazing food (Korean BBQ, fried pork belly, hot dogs and burgers, fresh baked brownies), or the fact that the lake was right in our backyard, but the sharing we always get to do as couples. It was great being able to talk late into the night about the ups and downs of marriage and whatever else is going on in our lives. It's almost like a couples retreat, the amount of open discussion we can have (some venting going on as well) without feeling defensive or worried about being judged. It's wonderful and I know at the end of it all, we are all so encouraged and inspired to make our relationships even stronger. And it's funny to see the unique dynamics we have in our relationships, some people more like others (I apparently have a lot in common with some of the husbands!).

So, thank you friends for another amazing cottage trip. Looking forward to our third one next year!

(Missing in the pic: Sarah, Will and Hugh. I will have to figure out how to photoshop you guys in....)

Little pockets of free time

Observation #19: You have to savor the little pockets of free time...

I would say one of the biggest changes in my life right now is that I am pretty much at the beck and call of my newborn, meaning if he has to feed, then I have to drop what I am doing and feed him; if he needs to be held, then the longest I (or Kevin) can ignore him is probably about 2 minutes - until his whimpering turns into a full out cry; if I hear the rumble(s) of poop coming from his direction, then my conscience won't let me go too long without changing his diaper. This will hopefully change in a few weeks, or maybe a few months, but for now, Justis is only a month old so I can't blame him for being so needy.

And of course there's the 2-year old...

So free time (meaning just time for myself to do stuff unrelated to baby/toddler/cooking/cleaning) is obviously rare and when it comes, often short. Case in point, it has taken me a span of 3 days to reply to a friend's email. Each day I have gotten about a paragraph and a half in. Another example: I started doing Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred, which is a 20-minute workout program, and it took me 3 tries to finish the video today because I kept getting interrupted. Right now I am having an unusually longer pocket of free time (hence the blogging), and I am trying to remind myself to savor this time. And just even enjoy doing nothing, instead of trying to fill it with more to-do's.

So I will keep this entry short and just relax....... until Justis cries for me.

Welcome to the world, little Justis!

It was exactly a week ago that I gave birth to our second little one, Justis Juho Lee, on July 21, 2012 at 1:00 p.m., Credit Valley Hospital, with the help of a team of midwives and my wonderful husband. He was born 7 lbs 2 oz, a good pound and a half heavier than his older sister.

And wow, what a week it has been since. The theme word for the week would most definitely have to be gratitude. Gratitude for the relatively easy labour and delivery (relative in the sense that labour is never easy), gratitude for the health of Justis, gratitude for the love and support we have gotten from our friends and family (thank you for the visits and the gifts!), gratitude for Chloe’s instant love for her brother (one week has passed and she hasn’t shown any signs of jealousy yet!), gratitude for power naps and moments of silence to myself, gratitude for a speedy recovery, gratitude for our parents who have provided help in any way they can, gratitude for my husband who has been my best cheerleader, and gratitude for the confidence of being a mother the second time around…

Not that it’s all been a walk in the park (my brain felt fried on night 2 and 3 with a total lack of sleep between the wee hours of 1:00 and 6:00 am, baby attached to me the whole time... thankfully the cluster feeding ended by night 4 and on *cross my fingers*), but so much of what I thought might be really hard has proved not to be so. I.e. I thought Chloe would have a really hard time transitioning and that we’d have to very wisely divide our attention between them, pretending to not really care for Justis, but as it turns out, Chloe actually wants me to feed Justis and hold him when he’s crying and is so excited to wake up to see her brother each morning. Or, I was worried that one kid would wake up the other kid during his/her nap and that I’d never get a solid block of time to myself, but so far Chloe’s naps have gone unscathed…

…Well, at least for this week. Who knows what the next few days or weeks or months hold, but right now, I want to focus on the goodness of this past week. And I want to intentionally direct all of this gratitude to our God, who I know has been by my side through every moment. Even if this week sucked, I know I would have so much reason to thank Him, but all the more so because it has been full of unexpected treats. Like my neighbour offering to babysit Chloe for an hour while I nap, or being able to go for an aromatherapy massage today (heavenly!). Thank you, Lord!

And welcome to the world, little Justis!

Why don't you just fall asleep?!

Dear Chloe,

Tonight, you are really really frustrating me... you fell asleep in the car on the way home, so Daddy and I were excited to have a good couple hours to watch some TV and enjoy some down time, but I guess you had other plans for us.

You went into the crib pretty easy -- deceivingly easy -- so I thought a few pat-pats and maybe 5 minutes, 10 minutes max of standing over you while you settled into the crib would be all you needed. Your stuffy nose is also deceiving because it sounds like you are breathing hard, the way you do when your drifting into deep sleep, but it's just as likely that you're just trying to breathe through all the snot. Anyway, I tried to leave the room at 10 minutes, but as soon as you heard the door close, you cried out for me. So back to sitting next to the crib... another 10 minutes. You then really seemed like you were asleep, so I tiptoed downstairs... we turned on the TV, but not even 5 minutes into the show, I hear you wail for me. UGH.

Daddy could easily see my frustration so he took the next shift. He was upstairs with you, doing pretty much the same routine, trying to leave at 5 minute intervals, only to have you stop him. Then he came down 20 minutes later, and again, 2 minutes into the TV show and you cry for us.

Long story short, we came home an hour and a half ago and have yet to sit down together to watch something. He's still up there while I'm trying to blow off some steam by writing this letter that you may read one day and hopefully give us a sincere apology. UGHHHHHHHH! (we love you.)

[note to anyone who would like to leave a comment about sleep training: please don't. We have tried and have read about it and know all that is involved, and we appreciate that it may have worked for you, but it hasn't worked out so smoothly for our little Chloe. We have good nights (10 minutes and she's out nights) and bad nights like tonight. We are doing what we can...]

There's nothing like the feeling of finishing your exams...

Observation #18: One of the few upsides of writing exams is the huge relief/satisfaction/sense of "freeeedom!!!" you get after you're done.

It's like you have to go through the stress/anxiety/impending sense of doom (a little dramatic, I know, but I'm guessing you keeners who want to get that gold star A+ from their TA will know what I'm talking about) to be able to enjoy the equally strong feelings of liberation ("I don't have to look at those notes ever again!") and relief. Being out of school for the last couple of years, I had forgotten about what that all felt like.

I was reminded again though, with the two exams I just finished this past week. You see, I'm in school once again. I was looking at different career options/work opportunities given my new status as a mother, and decided that I wanted to pursue something that would give me a balance between my interests/career ambitions/training (namely, something in the social work field) and being able to be there for my child(ren in the future?) on a more than after-full-time-work basis. And fortunately our family situation is such that we can afford that option of me not working full-time at the moment, which I know is not the case for everyone. So I gave it some thought and decided that getting TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) certification so that I can teach in the government-funded ESL programs (aka LINC) was a good option for me because it would place me in a social-work-related field of working with immigrants (which is in demand in Mississauga where I live), marry my passion for the English language, and also give me the option of working part-time, which are how most LINC instructor postings are structured. And the pay is great! Plus, I also have my academic paper editing business on the side. I think I'll post about that another day. Anyway, I have 7 courses in total to finish. 2 down, 5 more to go!

But I digress from my original observation... yes, my first semester is over and the exams are finished! I feel like I'm a high school student on summer break again! I want to stay up all night watching korean dramas or something, but then I must remember I have a 15 month old who won't let me sleep in... so maybe I don't really feel like a high school student... Anyway, I am happy.

Each day holds so much potential

Observation #17: So much can be learned, discovered, forgotten, acted upon, or wasted in a day.

This truth has never been as clear to me as it is now as a mother of a rapidly-growing baby. It's amazing to see how much change you can see in Chloe in a matter of days. And when we meet with a friend who is but a few months older, I'm amazed at what we have in store and often can't imagine Chloe doing some of the things that her 3-month senior is doing. But lo and behold, she hits those milestones -- sometimes a few weeks sooner or later than her peers, but I'm learning that is a-okay...

For instance, Chloe started walking about 5 weeks ago, at around 14 months. I can honestly say that about 7 weeks ago, we were all "When is she gonna finally walk? What if she isn't walking by October (she has to be a flower girl for her Aunt Sarah!)? Why is it taking so long?" and here we are just over a month later, and she'd rather go where she wants rather than be carried around.

But even in the day to day, there are new words being learned and new connections being made about what goes with what or what kind of response she can expect from mommy and daddy when she spits her food out (my biggest pet peeve!) or asks for a kiss. Each day holds so much potential.

And as true as it is that some of that physical and cognitive change comes more slowly as we age, I don't think that observation holds any less truth for me today, as a 28-year old woman. Each day can still hold the potential to bring about change in my life, or I can just waste it away being stagnant... Some days, I have to confess, the status quo sounds fine to me. But other days, Chloe inspires me in the ways she surprises me (like today, she learned to say "thank you"!).


Chloe at 14.5 months

My baby journey over the last 8 months...

I haven't updated in a long time and so much has happened since! It's too much to put into words so here it is in pictures.



















Pregnant! Probably around 9 months here. My relatively small bump was a sign of the small baby that was to come.













Chloe Joowon Lee, Born May 13, 2010 at 9:11 p.m. 5 lb 11 oz (2.545 kg), 49 cm. Kevin was an awesome partner during the whole labour process!











May (Week 1/2). still a beloved skinny alien. ;)
















May (Week 2)... pre-3 week growth spurt. Kevin and I were still learning the ropes. My mom was such a big help during these 3 weeks, cooking, taking care of Chloe while I napped, being a friend.










June (Week 3). Post-growth spurt. Became a little michelin baby!

















July (2 months). Was smilier and more responsive.

















August (3 months). Started to hold her head up better.












August (3 months). 100 day party. A baby milestone in Korean culture.

September (4 months). With some of her biggest fans. :)



















More Month 4.











October (5 months). Our first family retreat. Chloe did splendidly and we got to join in on most of the worship and programs.


October Thanksgiving weekend (5 months). New York Trip! First airplane ride and visit to the Big Apple.


October (5 months). Got a head start on solids. First spoon-fed meal: Rice cereal. Daddy finally got to get in on the action with feeding.


October (5 months). Chloe's first Halloween!



More Month 5.


November (6 months). Got all dressed up for Linda and Danny's wedding.


November (6 months). Fall colours with mommy and daddy.












December (7 months). Became so much more active and alert. Fully able to laugh, sit, express her likes and dislikes.

I'll miss you, Yonge Street Mission!

Observation #16: You know you're spoiled silly when you get three different baby showers at work.

I know just how lucky I am to be able to say with utter honesty, "I love my job!" I don't have any hard stats on this, but it seems like the majority of people I know think of their job as just a job and not necessarily a place of fulfillment or community. It's the place they go to get their pay checks, and the other spheres of life are where that fulfillment is found. Which is totally understandable as well, and I expect that at one point I'll be holding a job like that too.

But I must say, my work at Yonge Street Mission during the past two years was not "just a job". Maybe quoting you what we're asked to agree to during our Staff Consecration will give you a better idea of what I'm talking about...

"Charge to: Jennifer Yoon. In joining the staff of Yonge Street Mission you have entered into a special calling. In becoming a member of this Christian faith community, you have agreed to demonstrate God's love, peace and justice to people living in economic, social and spiritual poverty in Toronto. Do you recognize that this is the vocation God has chosen for you at this particular phase of your life? Do you commit to upholding the values of God's Kingdom through this ministry? Do you acknowledge that every person is created in the image of God and has inherent value and dignity? Will you maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes the development of spiritual disciplines?

If this is your desire, then respond with a resounding 'YES!' "

To which, of course, I did respond resoundingly.

My work with the seniors and adults in the community of Regent Park/Moss Park and St. Jamestown has stretched me, challenged me, spoiled me (I repeat, 3 separate baby showers! One from the seniors, one from our adult drop in called "New Hope Fellowship", one from the staff. Not to mention the bridal shower I got last year...) and taught me much about being in community. It was also amazing to work in a Christian organization that nurtured my faith, as well as made me ask new questions about my faith journey. My coworkers are the kindest, most warm-hearted people you'll meet and I've learned a lot from each of them. I'll miss everyone!

The long commute is what I won't miss, which is also why I won't be returning to work after my maternity leave, but as I've heard often around the Mission, "no one really ever leaves the Mission." My heart and prayers will be with YSM!

not being able to sleep...

Observation #15: Having a cold + Being 31 weeks pregnant = no sleep

I've very rarely had trouble sleeping and have been told by so many that I should enjoy my sleep now (since it'll be greatly lacking in about 9 weeks), but here I am, up at midnight not able to shut my brain off. The combination of a stuffy nose, sore throat and increasing discomfort to my back no matter which way I lie down means I'd rather be up than trying to coax sleep to visit me... it's been two nights now that I haven't been able to rest the way I want to, but hopefully this will be the last night.

Thank goodness I have tomorrow off, which means I can sleep in. Though at the same time, it's sad to think I only have 2 more weeks of work left... So many changes will be happening in the next few months. I'll have to blog about that another day.

Well, I guess I'll just surf around the net for random things until my eyelids can't stay up anymore. I hope that's soon...

Gift giving

Observation #14: Apparently I'm not a great gift-giver after all...

So I think quite a few people out there have heard of the notion of "love languages".

"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch." (www.5lovelanguages.com).

I had always thought that one of my top love languages was giving and receiving gifts. Even as a kid, I loved giving away stuff. Unfortunately for my sister, sometimes that stuff included her stuff, and she'd pout and get upset when I'd offer her long-forgotten-stuffed-animal-from-the-back-of-the-closet to another little girl who was over at our house and seemed to enjoy playing with it. But even with my own possessions, I liked being able to give that certain gift I thought the other person would just love to receive. I would never be able to wait for the actual birthday or Mother's day to come -- if I bought the gift a week in advance, usually by mid-week I would crack and give it to the person -- just for the sheer joy of seeing their face when they opened it.

But... ever since I have been together with Kevin, I'm becoming more and more doubtful of my ability to give gifts. He is by far the more generous, the more thoughtful gift-giver. He thinks of giving gifts to people on occasions I would have just glossed over and he thinks of giving bigger and more meaningful gifts than I often have the energy or the generosity to think of.

Which is why this month I am racking my brain all the more. February includes both V-Day and Kevin's birthday. And it included my birthday, when I got the coolest gift ever from Kev. He got me a telescope! I don't know the exact model number, which is why I am uploading a random telescope pic (just so you get the idea) but it is very cool and I look forward to gazing at many stars through it. I just have to figure out how to do that first...

What do I get him??? V-day is right around the corner and I am still drawing a blank... boo.

The new Lee residence!

Observation #13: Moving takes longer than you anticipate...

So our big move was on Saturday and now we are living in the chaos of boxes, not-yet-placed furniture, sawdust and paint cans. Our hope is that we'll exit our chaos by Wednesday. But like K said right before falling off to sleep last night, "I'm so happy... I couldn't be happier." I agree. It's a blessing to be starting off our family in a home we can dream of making our own (still a long to-do list of renovations ahead of us) over the next 5, 10 years.

So, moving. We decided to have movers come in to do the move, as Kevin was unbelievably busy with dealing with contractors for our kitchen the past week and would have to be at home on-site on the day of, and I am of course pregnant and therefore not much use with lifting anything. We figured that the 4-hours we allotted to professional movers would be sufficient, since we thought we don't have too much stuff. I still don't think we have that much stuff, but long story short, the move took twice that amount of time. Maybe it was too many smoke breaks those guys went on... I don't know. I wonder what our next move will be like, with so much more stuff I'm sure we'll accumulate in the years to come.

As crazy as my house is right now, I can't wait to go home today! 1.5 hours left... Time, fly please.

---

By the way, we found out last week, it's a girl! Chloe Joowon Lee... Can't wait to see her pretty face.

Boy or girl?

As I mentioned in yesterday's blog, I was scheduled for my second ultrasound yesterday. We had big hopes to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl and..............

(drum roll please)

.....we don't know yet.

Our baby apparently had the umbilical cord between its legs so we couldn't determine if there was something else there or not... The technician says to us, "Seeing that there's just a line here, I think it might be a girl. I'd say there's a 50% chance it's a girl." Ummm... no duh. I could have told you that myself!

So Kevin and I left feeling pretty disappointed, but happy to hear that the baby looks healthy so far. I'm just passing the half-way mark now, so so far so good!

He/she's been kicking quite actively lately, so that's been an awesome experience. Kevin was able to feel a kick with his hand for the first time last night. Big smile on his face. :)

2010, here we come!

What a year 2009 was! I think by any standard it was an overwhelmingly eventful year. It included: planning a wedding, getting married, getting pregnant, selling our condo, buying a house and all the other fun stuff in between.

I can't imagine 2010 being any crazier, but then again, I've never been a new parent before. I'm sure giving birth and raising a child with my husband will be full of surprises and unexpected situations/emotions. But like I said, here we come! I'm excited for all the upcoming events...

Today Kevin and I will be getting the anatomical ultrasound for our baby. Hopefully we can find out today whether it's a boy or a girl. We've been looking forward to today all holiday long, so I'm just counting down the hours!

Wishing everyone a truly happy, crazy 2010!

stressed.........

Observation #12: I don't think I get stressed too often, but when I do, I don't think I handle it too well.

I can't go into the details of why I am stressed, but I do need to just put it out there to release! Some situations just feel more complicated than they should be...

I wanna be #1

It's been a long time since I've last blogged... I've just had writer's block lately. This is like my 3rd attempt in the last week to write something, but I've just kinda stared blankly at the screen and then turned to Facebook Scrabble instead...

Observation #11: I like to win.

Speaking of Scrabble, I'm pretty sad that my rating has dropped, and now I have the 3rd highest rating out of my Facebook friends. It feels good to be on top and I enjoyed it for a while, but my latest losses have bumped me 2 spaces down. I do realize that this competitiveness has kinda made playing less fun and more stressful. I'll feel much better when I'm back up there again. Haha...

I guess I've always been a little competitive. Especially when it comes to games that I feel like I have a decent shot at. Being sports-un-inclined, I'm not that competitive when it comes to anything involving a ball or moving object, but that's only because I think I'll lose anyway so I just don't play. So maybe even that's a sign of my desire to only win and never lose. Games involving words, guessing, trivia - you get the idea - I can get a little aggressive. But all in good fun, right?

Yes! I just won a game of scrabble! #1, here I come.

Colds suck

Observation #10: My husband must truly have a strong immune system, because he's not once got a cold despite the half dozen colds I've brought home.

Since working at Yonge Street Mission for the past year and a half, my proud belief that I am a relatively physically healthy person has been reduced to more of a wish than a fact, given my history of colds in this short time span. I've kind of lost count of how many colds I've had, but I think it's around five or six, and I know I've used my fair share of sick days at work. I am battling out yet another cold this week with a stuffy nose and sore throat that comes and goes. And all this despite getting 10+ hours of sleep a day and washing my hands all the time.

I've been too chicken to really check out the symptoms of H1N1, but maybe I should do it right now... just in case...

Okay, whew. I only have like 2 out of the 9 major symptoms. I'm pretty sure I'm fine.

But like I said in my observation, throughout all this time, Kevin has not once caught my cold. And I mean, we were dating, and we're now married, so I can unabashedly say that there's been some kissing going on, so he's had more than a small chance of catching my bugs, but nope, he's been staunchly healthy enough to take care of me. (Maybe I'm jinxing it now...) He is my hero. Haha...

I can't wait to get better though. :( I'm sick of breathing through my mouth.

Grace

Observation #9: We all need grace - perhaps the area we need it most is in being able to extend it to others... because that's often the hardest part.

I am quoting a piece written by Rick Tobias, CEO of Yonge Street Mission, where I work. It is a privilege to work under his leadership, and I'm sure you'll be able to understand why after you read the prayer below.

Prayer by Rick Tobias

Grace. God, grant us grace;
enough that we can see the beauty and value in individuals, even when their outward appearance obscures it completely; enough to see their honour, however deeply hidden and to grant respect, even when we think it is undeserved.
Help me to recognize the wounds and understand the shame that lies behind each act of rejection and moment of repulsive behaviour. Grant me grace to believe that most of us are doing the best we can in the midst of our personal brokenness.

Grace. God grant grace to a dad who cannot love; to a man crushed by the weight of his own neglected childhood and facing a son who spends his wealth and spits his name. Grace to a parent who gives up, and who drugs the pain by choosing vacation over children. Grace when the weight of failing, and of being failed, overwhelms. Grace to dads and grace to moms who, having no grace left to give, receive little in return.

Grace. God grant grace to the caregivers who over-spend every loving emotion, and who, finding themselves empty and void, act out love through sheer strength of will and commitment to justice. Grace to all, who having poured out their lives into others, discover that love is not all you need, and who live to see those in their care self-destruct. Grace to those who so freely give themselves to others yet sometimes forget to grace their selves.

Grace. God grant grace to me, when there is no place in my heart for a wounded child; when my life is so consumed with me and mine that I have little love to give. Grace to me when I pretend not to see, or turn away in fear from the ugly, untidy, or strange. Grace to me when I am so absorbed in my own life that I forget to be grace to others.

God, grant us grace. Enough for all we have experienced, and all that we have become, and enough to be all that you desire.